sometimes the mind works so weirdly in matters of love,

sometimes you think you like someone. SO MUCH. you're so into them and you feel only stronger for them because they dont seem to respond to your feelings.

you love them because you cant have them.

and when you do have them, when they finally respond you wanted them to in the first place

then you suddenly loose interest.

and it sucks.

i have to be strong and remember why i liked that person in the first place.

ok, bye!

today i was the only host at the restaurant where i work at.

and i got all the money from the coat check tips and the tatami room party, which was a private party and they give us hosts 1 dollar for every person in the party.

it was so good to have all the money for myself, because there was no other host.

specially because since spring started, the coat check tips have dropped DRASTICALLY.

so if you read this, and want to give me money,

THROW A TATAMI PARTY AT BONDST!

On a night when i'm the only host!!! (i dont know if that will ever happen again but still...)

thanks!!!


lol here i should be talking about modeling and stuff but the reality of it all is that MODELING DOESNT GIVE YOU MONEY (not at first at least)

so i have to speak about my real work, the one that pays rent.

:)

and so i got some of the pictures from my shoots with marina kloess and sean watters. I like many of them. I'll show you some of the marina kloess pictures and tomorrow the sean ones... just to keep it mysterious lol!! (truth is that i dont have a small size of the sean ones so i wont post them right now)

I'm so happy and grateful for the people I have met in NYC.

jana, darla, duncan, vi, brian, kelly, aaron, jessica, christine, greg, blake, amalia, leigh, nate.

None of them read this blog but I still want to write it. I know one day i will read this and remember exactly how i felt.

i also did a wonderful shoot today with photographers Marina Kloess and Alex Waltl.

:) life is good.

for a sunny day!!!

soda stereo is an amazing argentinian rock band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Of8KDaUrdM

SO GOOD

Spring

I want to believe spring is here.

Now I understand the cartoons when they depict the change of season from winter to spring.

how all the snow melts, and suddenly the sun comes out and the flowers and trees blossom and the animals come out and the birds sing...

it kinda feels like that. so sudden and beautiful.

it's the first time i've seen a change of season in my life so it's very exciting. my mood really suddenly shifted.

and i think that in the streets people seem to be happier now.

people have legs again! lol.

the first day i could go to the streets without a coat was one of the happiest days of my life.

seriously.

spring also can bring love.


i love spring.

I feel like shit today.

Sometimes it is just very hard to please everyone. Is everything in life really like this? I usually try very hard to be as nice to everyone as possible, to make sure that I make things so that everyone is happy...

I mean, why would anyone give people a hard time while doing something if there's always a way of doing the same things being nice and good to everyone? everyone wins and everyone feels good, right?

I always try to do that.

But then, sometimes in life, I come across situations where doing that is simply impossible. Pleasing everyone is just too hard sometimes. And when you don't succeed and something goes wrong in the way, people get mad at you and you end up being the bad guy.

I hate that. Should I just care less about other people?

Best thing to do when it's pouring rain outside..

...and you're home, is to listen to 80's music.


Yup.

and sleep.

and then sleep a little bit more.

Frankmusic is love

Just wanted to let it out.

I'm going in for the kill

I'm doing it for a thrill

Oh I'm hoping you'll understand

And not let go of my hand.



I love this song so much.

recently i have been discovering a lot of music. music is definitely one of the most important parts of my life.

enjoy the song and dance to it if it makes you!!!

BIG Day for me

so today is a very important day in the life of Juan Sebastian.

I graduated from college in Colombia and I signed the contract with APM.

My mom must be very sad to receive my diploma without me there. I love her so much.

So yes. It's the ending of a big adventure and the beginning of an even bigger one now.

I am SO excited I don't even know how to express it with words.

I am so thankful with life and all the opportunities it is giving to me.

I hope it keeps up like this. I want to achieve happiness and experience life at its fullest.

Celebration time WOHOOO. But first: work. lol.

Sloane NYC

This is going to be a story to tell.

Last night.

1 am.

After work.

I was tired as fuck. I thought something cool could come out of that state.

I texted Sean Watters.

Me: "Hey, I just got out of work. I'm exhausted. Want to do a late night shoot?"

Sean Watters: "LOL. You're crazy. If you want to come over..."

M: "I will, send me your address"

S.W: "No, really. You're tired. And you must be smelling bad. I don't like that. We'll shoot next week. Promise"

S.W: "Text me when you get home, ok?"

M: "I'm on a cab. On my way to your place. You better send me your address."

...

So yeah. I kinda forced him into shooting me.

From 2.30 to 6 A.M.

Oh, hohoho.

But it was a m a z i n g. I think we got such cool shots and it was just an all around fun awesome night. It's so much fun to work with someone that just loves shooting, with no other intention than enjoying the photography and having a blast. It was a crazy fun night.

I had to crash there of course and then in exchange for my shoot, I had to assist Sean with a test shoot he had with Tony, a model from Fusion.

I only had 3 hours of sleep. So of course I'm officially a dead man walking in this moment.

Thank god the weather was nice and I could enjoy the sun in central park.

I'm going to my coffin now.

x_x

I finally have the contract in my hands.

So I believe the mother agency drama is about to be over, and I'm just calling it quits with them.

Guess now it will be kind of official. I still have no certainty at all about my future. I can't stay in the USA for too long under the visa I'm at, and I can't apply for another visa yet because I don't have enough tear sheets from magazines. So after I sign the contract the procedure will be to work as much as I can on editorials so I can apply for a visa later.

It's still very confusing but it is one step forward!

Yes I'm stupid like that

EDIT
LOL I just realized how in this picture I look like if I had one sunken tooth or something.

I don't have a sunken tooth, ok? I DON'T

*_o

After a night like last night it is so good to wake up to see pictures of yourself you like! :)

Robert Nethery, the photographer that shot the Contributing Editor's editorial, updated his portfolio and I AM THERE WOHOOO.

http://www.nerasa.com/

I loved them too!

Now I just have to wait until the pictures are published in the website so I can use them in my book.

Ok I have to run again, later!

I've been giving a lot of thought to something I had stopped thinking about for years.

I feel like a teenager again because recently I discovered I have no fucking idea who I am. And that feels pathetic because fuck, I'm more than 20 years old, I have just finished a university degree and I should have stuff like that figured out now. Or maybe not. I don't know, but sometimes I feel like I should.

For years I have worked in my self confidence, in the way I project to people. When I was a kid and was all weak and sentimental and gay and bullied, all I wanted to be was the cool kid that everyone admired and everyone thought of as hot and cool to be around.

I wanted to be the popular guy of course.

But my self confidence was shit and I really believed that everybody hated me, I was depressed and isolated and had to go to the psychiatrist and take anti depressants.

I had nervous breakdowns where all I did was scream and cry and hit myself against the walls.

I was a fucking messed up kid.

I hated myself and I felt that people hated me. And they did for many years. And it was not nice to be the looser in class.

I don't want to sound like the victim because I am grown up and it's pathetic to martyr yourself, and I know that there's millions of people in the world that have had it far worse than me, but the fact is that people were not nice to me at all when I was a kid.

Anyways, I put up with it and I really believe I was strong enough just to not run away from it but face it for years and try to fix it (because of course that I wanted to fix it). Then people grew up, or realized that I wasn't that bad and I think (or rather, I've been told) they stopped hating me, but I still felt like I was despised. I seriously believed that the world hated me.

That, of course, pissed people off and I kinda self-rejected my self and pushed away them from me. It was kinda my trademark... that "I know you hate me" bullshit. It was pathetic but of course I hadn't realized that yet.

Then one day, after years of psycho therapy and shit I decided to try to trust people again. I decided to give it a chance and make friends and force myself to believe that I was not hated. It kind of worked because I started making friends and building relationships and all that shit. People started saying to me "see? it wasn't that hard and now look, we all love you and you are with us and stuff... you have to keep building your confidence". It was working for me and I enjoyed it.

I started to realize how much I hated the people that were all "everyone hates me, I suck, I'm the worst". Then I understood why people would not come close to me and how I was the one that had been pushing them out for a while. Of course the fact was that I was also very hurt from all the shit that same bastards did to me when I was a kid. But I decided to forgive them and forgive myself and just try to make it right.

So my strategy was simply to shut myself up whenever any negative thoughts about myself came to my mind. I started to not let myself think I was not cool, or I was boring, or I was too nice and not cool... And those kind of thoughts came to my mind always, but I just simply started to shut them automatically. It was working.

I perfectly remember the time it started to change for me. It was my cousin's birthday, maybe seven years ago. I decided to dress "nicely" so I wore nice jeans with a jean jacket and a tshirt. I combed my hair and put a thin cut stocking in my neck (lol, that was in fashion in Colombia at the time because all the Argentinian soccer players did it). Then I went to her house and a friend of hers opened the door. The girl was gorgeous! She was probably one of the cutest and most popular girls in school. Anyways. She opened the door and said "wow, you look amazing". Haha. I will never forget that moment.

Anyways, so yeah. I turned slowly with the pass of years from the ugly duckling to a hot swan lol. As years passed I was able to relate much more easily with people, to look better. Heck, I made so many cool friends. I became friends with the cool people (that hot girl that opened the door is now one of my best friends), started to go to cool parties, getting drunk and dancing for days! Even when all my friends from engineering school were studying and being their usual nerds (I looove them and they know I think they're all nerds ♥), I was partying non stop on the weekends and then doing not bad at all in school either.

Suddenly I was modeling too. Lol. When I started I could not believe I was really being proposed to model. And I still can't believe it.

So yeah. My life changed in a good way, I was doing so many "cool" things I had never in my life dreamed of.

However, the strategy in all those years didn't change. I still was just shutting every negative thought off my mind. I was not letting myself put myself down (that sounds funny :S).

It was always there, though.

All the way I always felt like people were still acting. Like all the nice things they said were out of pity. That I wasn't really that cool at all and was still that nerdy pathetic crybaby that everyone hated. I was conscious I had changed. I had grown up and I had become a different (and better) person. Actually I lost many of my creative and sensitive talents in the process of becoming "cool" (I guess in a way my mind blamed that sensitivity of my awful social abilities) and after I really felt like I missed them. I always knew I was better now, that I had grown up to be a good and intelligent man. But still, I always thought that deep inside I was the same pathetic kid that deserved to be hated.

I mean, if you think about it, we all know that personality is a construction, right? Personality is the result of each of our lives, of our experiences. It's a program that is built from many lines of code input by our own experiences. So what guarantees that I'm not that kid I was 15 years ago? what guarantees that people don't see me still as that? What guarantees that all those behaviors and traits that people hated (and that I think I would hate now) are gone? What if I still act like that without noticing?

...Haha as I write this stuff I really find how nonsense my thought processes are, but I won't erase anything. Maybe this is healthy after all, just letting it out...

I know thinking that is ridiculous. It's ridiculous to think that people are nice and are my friends and treat me nicely just because they pity me! I know that the world doesn't work like that I hell, I wouldn't become friends with someone I hated.

Hahaha! Again I'm thinking of so much shit and I think my mind processes are going faster than how I'm able to write.

So I reached a conclusion, just now. I really am my own worst enemy. It is my fucking fault that I think of me like that and I just have to stop. The world and human beings are not good to other people out of pity and I really have to stop thinking about it. If I'm worthy of my good luck, if I'm hot enough to be a model, if I'm cool enough to have cool friends, if I act/dance stupid when I'm on drugs, if I am cool enough, if I'm still the same pathetic kid that even I would hate if I met him nowadays. Fuck that.

I really need to learn to not worry about it. If life has treated me the way it has, if I am in NYC going on castings and meeting really important people and trying to be a model, if I have friends in Colombia that love me and if I'm making friends that say they like me here in NYC it's because I fucking deserve it.

Because I am fucking cool.

I just said 'fucking' many times in a row.

Because the kid that resulted of all those good and bad experiences is an amazing person.

He might not be super aggressive and strong, he might be too nice for his own good sometimes, he might be shy and awkward when meeting people. He might have no game when hitting on people he likes (lol, I honestly have no idea of how to do it). But he is a good person. And he is damn smart. And he looks good and will only look better and better. And he trusts himself and knows that he's got it all and that his only limit is the one he imposes. I will stop limiting myself.

I can't be the own to screw myself. I can't be the one to stop myself from being how great I can be! As a model as of now, as an engineer, as a social person. I won't. I will fight myself.

The opportunities that life has given me... The opportunities I have constructed for myself. Oh my god, most people should be so lucky to have as many awesome things to happen in their lives as me. Right now I just have to let myself take the opportunities. Fuck, if I'm in NYC trying to be a model, if there's an agency that believes in me, if there's a girl somewhere in NYC that would have me in her fantasy agency, it is because I deserve it, right? Because I can do it. I have to be the one who believes the most in me.

And I will.

And I've heard that most of people go trough similar thought processes at points of their lives, which I hope is true because I feel a little embarrassed of posting this in a blog in the internet where I'm supposed to be talking about how cool is the experience of starting modeling in NYC and the parties and the hot hot people I meet everyday and all of that (that has happened, of course).

Well, truth be told, for me this experience has been more about confronting all my phantoms. I'm not in the safe zone of Colombia, my country and my people. I'm now in NYC, surrounded by gorgeous people that live off that. I am actually trying to make it at a business where the merchandise is my looks! Gosh, as if I ever trusted that.

It really is the perfect environment for all your insecurities to explode.

This is personal deep shit, bro.

hahahaHAHAHA.

But I'm not apologizing. That's me.

And I will win the fight.

Peace.

I also like photography

me after a shower