how to deal with bumps on the road?
when shit happens, when things are out of your control and the doors seem to suddenly close, how do you act? what do you do?

how do you recognize the moment where there is just no more motivations to keep fighting? i know people teach you to keep fighting no matter what, to fight and never surrender, never let anything put you down and mess with your dreams, but there are moments where it is really out of your hands... when it's just better to abort the operation...

have you ever felt in one of those moments? how do you act then?

recently i discovered that traveling for me to any country of the world is really fucking complicated. i cant just take a plane to anywhere in the world... i need visas to go everywhere, and i can only apply for those visas in my country.

which means that i always have to go back to colombia before traveling anywhere else in the world.

i was going to go to milan in june. agency ready and waiting for me, but no. now i cant. and this new situation kind of changes everything from now on because it's going to be the same to every fucking country i try to go to from now on.

it's really bad.

and i don't know what to do, it's really out of my hands, it's all because of really stupid migration laws and colombian discrimination.

im not a drug dealer. im a good person. i take good pictures. i have a degree... why anyone in the world want me?


saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. really sad.

and depressing.

depressed i am.

i was thinking today...

about the days when we just lay in bed. and pop a CD in the discman,

and take the booklet out of the case.

and listen to the songs, reading the lyrics at the same time

and discovering funny things in the booklets.

i was listening to the offspring's ixnay on the hombre.

that was a cd i listened to a lot when i was a kid.

and the booklet was full of hidden figures.

when you folded the pages of it in top of other pages.

what happened to those days?

things i wrote at work

today i found a few pieces of paper where i wrote stuff at the boring nights at work.

i decided to write them here because, even if i don't like them, i will totally forget about them if i don't write them somewhere and maybe i'll regret it later.

explanation given. i should stop doing that.

it's in spanish, so suck it. maybe i'll make translations later.

1.

cuenta hasta diez
que cada numero sea una palabra.
luego arma una frase.
cambia el orden.
inventa un idioma.
sal
y hablale al mundo en el.
destroza lo que odias de tu viejo mundo,
y atesora lo que amas.
recrealo.
make it happen!

2.

y mientras jugaban se dieron cuenta del bollo en el que se habian metido.
abrieron los ojos y de repente a su alrededor solo se encontraron ellos.
entonces en el bosque los ruidos desvanecieron la imagen de los arboles.
estaban cada uno en un desierto y no habia oasis y no habia arena y el viento no soplaba.
shhh.
el sonido ciego
sus lenguas
y nunca mas volvieron a cantar.

3.

Y que hago
ahora que no se que hacer
y con quien
si en la distancia estas
y ya no hay nada que hacer
porque no te alcanzo
y no te veo.

nuestras manos estiradas
intentan tocarse
sentirse de nuevo
y mover la tierra
y que no haya distancia
nuestras manos.

4.

la ventana me habla de ti.
desde la altura
mas de tres veces la distancia en la base
me habla y me dice que andas sufriendo.

ok that was all. :)

the cigarrette in his mouth tasted like dirt

dirt from oslo, he thought, for no particular reason.

as he exhaled the last puff he decided to go for a walk.

he left her in the bed. she was still asleep and fucked up. her bra and panties on.

tequila will kill me, she had said.

he had told her they were not going to have sex.

she had said yes.

it was her fault.

dirty bitches.

both of us.

my agency is sending videos of me to milan for the next season.

it would be SO amazing if i could go there... so keep your fingers crossed. hopefully the editorials ive made in the past few weeks will finally be out in the next couple of weeks so i have more exposure and they book me.

sometimes i get spontaneous happiness attacks

and i am really grateful for the things that have happened in my life

but i still want more

:)

and i will fight until i get it.

i hope i do :)

if not, i will die.

lol i wont.

but i will be sad

so i better get them

the things i want of life

this is big

i shot today for blinde glasses. it was really good. as expected the photographer was a fucking PRO :)

and then there's the female model that i shot with.

when i met her of course i noticed how hot she was and everything. she was also super nice.

then at the end of the shoot when i started asking her about her career and stuff i started opening my eyes wide. SHE'S THE BOMB!

ruby alridge. just google her.

she is going to be the face of marc by marc jacobs now, too. heh. and i am in a campaign with her!

doooooooooooooooope.

very happy at 11.00 pm in nyc.

last night i went out to sloane, the bestest store in nyc.

sloanenyc.blogspot.com

felt like i didnt know anyone in the room and i didnt care to meet anyone else new.

even the people that were there and i knew, i felt like i didnt know them. it was very uncomfortable.

today im shooting sunglasses yay./. I googled the photographer (kai regan) and the guy directed a video for cobra starship and everything. niiiiice.

Yesterday I shot with sean watters again.

He is one of my really good friends here and i love him. even if he makes fun of my accent and everything else i tell him. even if its serious stuff he makes fun of me.
but i love him because he listens and he is a good friend.

last night in my shoot with him i became a little bit of a porn star too... (don't EVER tell my booker thank you), haha. It was nothing too bad but it was the first time i've ever done something like that so it was weird.
although I liked the pictures we got and my face looks really cool in some of them.

before shooting me sean shot a spanish guy called xoan from fusion. he was very nice and it was his first time in nyc. too bad he has to leave soon. he also gave me a nickname... DINO. lol. i don't think i look like a velociraptor but xoan and sean think so (on a side note our names are so funny together: xoan+sean+juan lol).

i had two dreams las night. the first was that i was in a store and a lady and a girl and a baby approached me and were super friendly to me but in reality they were trying to steal my wallet but i caught them and i took them to the police.

the other dream is that someone wanted to touch me but i couldnt move. and i cried. i think i cried in real life too. but the peron didn't touch me in the end, i think.

i shot for a magazine on saturday and im shooting my first paid job tomorrow (sunglasses) and then another magazine in wednesday.

god im finally starting to work i hope it keeps like that

Ah, I also started RUNNING. my eternal quest to find a workout that i like continues, my friend.

running is cool. i sweat a lot and running along the hudson feels NICE.

sorry for not updating. i promise i will try to come back again.

who reads this blog anyways>?

bye loneliness!!!

it's so hard

to feel good with yourself completely

and not comparing your self with others...

so when other people do well, and book things and stuff... you wonder what is so wring with you that you didn't book it.

even if you have booked and gotten the attention from other people...

i don't know.

this is a tough business... it's very hard to deal with emotionally.

and if one day i get over this i know i will be so much stronger

and wiser

so i will try to do my best and not give up.
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