ok things are not as bad as expected.

i{m still not going to milan, but i{m optimist again.

not depressed anymore.

from now on i will fight really hard not to get depressed easily.

and the sun is out, no reasons to be sad.

:)

how to deal with bumps on the road?
when shit happens, when things are out of your control and the doors seem to suddenly close, how do you act? what do you do?

how do you recognize the moment where there is just no more motivations to keep fighting? i know people teach you to keep fighting no matter what, to fight and never surrender, never let anything put you down and mess with your dreams, but there are moments where it is really out of your hands... when it's just better to abort the operation...

have you ever felt in one of those moments? how do you act then?

recently i discovered that traveling for me to any country of the world is really fucking complicated. i cant just take a plane to anywhere in the world... i need visas to go everywhere, and i can only apply for those visas in my country.

which means that i always have to go back to colombia before traveling anywhere else in the world.

i was going to go to milan in june. agency ready and waiting for me, but no. now i cant. and this new situation kind of changes everything from now on because it's going to be the same to every fucking country i try to go to from now on.

it's really bad.

and i don't know what to do, it's really out of my hands, it's all because of really stupid migration laws and colombian discrimination.

im not a drug dealer. im a good person. i take good pictures. i have a degree... why anyone in the world want me?


saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. really sad.

and depressing.

depressed i am.

i was thinking today...

about the days when we just lay in bed. and pop a CD in the discman,

and take the booklet out of the case.

and listen to the songs, reading the lyrics at the same time

and discovering funny things in the booklets.

i was listening to the offspring's ixnay on the hombre.

that was a cd i listened to a lot when i was a kid.

and the booklet was full of hidden figures.

when you folded the pages of it in top of other pages.

what happened to those days?

things i wrote at work

today i found a few pieces of paper where i wrote stuff at the boring nights at work.

i decided to write them here because, even if i don't like them, i will totally forget about them if i don't write them somewhere and maybe i'll regret it later.

explanation given. i should stop doing that.

it's in spanish, so suck it. maybe i'll make translations later.

1.

cuenta hasta diez
que cada numero sea una palabra.
luego arma una frase.
cambia el orden.
inventa un idioma.
sal
y hablale al mundo en el.
destroza lo que odias de tu viejo mundo,
y atesora lo que amas.
recrealo.
make it happen!

2.

y mientras jugaban se dieron cuenta del bollo en el que se habian metido.
abrieron los ojos y de repente a su alrededor solo se encontraron ellos.
entonces en el bosque los ruidos desvanecieron la imagen de los arboles.
estaban cada uno en un desierto y no habia oasis y no habia arena y el viento no soplaba.
shhh.
el sonido ciego
sus lenguas
y nunca mas volvieron a cantar.

3.

Y que hago
ahora que no se que hacer
y con quien
si en la distancia estas
y ya no hay nada que hacer
porque no te alcanzo
y no te veo.

nuestras manos estiradas
intentan tocarse
sentirse de nuevo
y mover la tierra
y que no haya distancia
nuestras manos.

4.

la ventana me habla de ti.
desde la altura
mas de tres veces la distancia en la base
me habla y me dice que andas sufriendo.

ok that was all. :)

the cigarrette in his mouth tasted like dirt

dirt from oslo, he thought, for no particular reason.

as he exhaled the last puff he decided to go for a walk.

he left her in the bed. she was still asleep and fucked up. her bra and panties on.

tequila will kill me, she had said.

he had told her they were not going to have sex.

she had said yes.

it was her fault.

dirty bitches.

both of us.

my agency is sending videos of me to milan for the next season.

it would be SO amazing if i could go there... so keep your fingers crossed. hopefully the editorials ive made in the past few weeks will finally be out in the next couple of weeks so i have more exposure and they book me.

sometimes i get spontaneous happiness attacks

and i am really grateful for the things that have happened in my life

but i still want more

:)

and i will fight until i get it.

i hope i do :)

if not, i will die.

lol i wont.

but i will be sad

so i better get them

the things i want of life

this is big

i shot today for blinde glasses. it was really good. as expected the photographer was a fucking PRO :)

and then there's the female model that i shot with.

when i met her of course i noticed how hot she was and everything. she was also super nice.

then at the end of the shoot when i started asking her about her career and stuff i started opening my eyes wide. SHE'S THE BOMB!

ruby alridge. just google her.

she is going to be the face of marc by marc jacobs now, too. heh. and i am in a campaign with her!

doooooooooooooooope.

very happy at 11.00 pm in nyc.

last night i went out to sloane, the bestest store in nyc.

sloanenyc.blogspot.com

felt like i didnt know anyone in the room and i didnt care to meet anyone else new.

even the people that were there and i knew, i felt like i didnt know them. it was very uncomfortable.

today im shooting sunglasses yay./. I googled the photographer (kai regan) and the guy directed a video for cobra starship and everything. niiiiice.

Yesterday I shot with sean watters again.

He is one of my really good friends here and i love him. even if he makes fun of my accent and everything else i tell him. even if its serious stuff he makes fun of me.
but i love him because he listens and he is a good friend.

last night in my shoot with him i became a little bit of a porn star too... (don't EVER tell my booker thank you), haha. It was nothing too bad but it was the first time i've ever done something like that so it was weird.
although I liked the pictures we got and my face looks really cool in some of them.

before shooting me sean shot a spanish guy called xoan from fusion. he was very nice and it was his first time in nyc. too bad he has to leave soon. he also gave me a nickname... DINO. lol. i don't think i look like a velociraptor but xoan and sean think so (on a side note our names are so funny together: xoan+sean+juan lol).

i had two dreams las night. the first was that i was in a store and a lady and a girl and a baby approached me and were super friendly to me but in reality they were trying to steal my wallet but i caught them and i took them to the police.

the other dream is that someone wanted to touch me but i couldnt move. and i cried. i think i cried in real life too. but the peron didn't touch me in the end, i think.

i shot for a magazine on saturday and im shooting my first paid job tomorrow (sunglasses) and then another magazine in wednesday.

god im finally starting to work i hope it keeps like that

Ah, I also started RUNNING. my eternal quest to find a workout that i like continues, my friend.

running is cool. i sweat a lot and running along the hudson feels NICE.

sorry for not updating. i promise i will try to come back again.

who reads this blog anyways>?

bye loneliness!!!

it's so hard

to feel good with yourself completely

and not comparing your self with others...

so when other people do well, and book things and stuff... you wonder what is so wring with you that you didn't book it.

even if you have booked and gotten the attention from other people...

i don't know.

this is a tough business... it's very hard to deal with emotionally.

and if one day i get over this i know i will be so much stronger

and wiser

so i will try to do my best and not give up.
\

sometimes the mind works so weirdly in matters of love,

sometimes you think you like someone. SO MUCH. you're so into them and you feel only stronger for them because they dont seem to respond to your feelings.

you love them because you cant have them.

and when you do have them, when they finally respond you wanted them to in the first place

then you suddenly loose interest.

and it sucks.

i have to be strong and remember why i liked that person in the first place.

ok, bye!

today i was the only host at the restaurant where i work at.

and i got all the money from the coat check tips and the tatami room party, which was a private party and they give us hosts 1 dollar for every person in the party.

it was so good to have all the money for myself, because there was no other host.

specially because since spring started, the coat check tips have dropped DRASTICALLY.

so if you read this, and want to give me money,

THROW A TATAMI PARTY AT BONDST!

On a night when i'm the only host!!! (i dont know if that will ever happen again but still...)

thanks!!!


lol here i should be talking about modeling and stuff but the reality of it all is that MODELING DOESNT GIVE YOU MONEY (not at first at least)

so i have to speak about my real work, the one that pays rent.

:)

and so i got some of the pictures from my shoots with marina kloess and sean watters. I like many of them. I'll show you some of the marina kloess pictures and tomorrow the sean ones... just to keep it mysterious lol!! (truth is that i dont have a small size of the sean ones so i wont post them right now)

I'm so happy and grateful for the people I have met in NYC.

jana, darla, duncan, vi, brian, kelly, aaron, jessica, christine, greg, blake, amalia, leigh, nate.

None of them read this blog but I still want to write it. I know one day i will read this and remember exactly how i felt.

i also did a wonderful shoot today with photographers Marina Kloess and Alex Waltl.

:) life is good.

for a sunny day!!!

soda stereo is an amazing argentinian rock band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Of8KDaUrdM

SO GOOD

Spring

I want to believe spring is here.

Now I understand the cartoons when they depict the change of season from winter to spring.

how all the snow melts, and suddenly the sun comes out and the flowers and trees blossom and the animals come out and the birds sing...

it kinda feels like that. so sudden and beautiful.

it's the first time i've seen a change of season in my life so it's very exciting. my mood really suddenly shifted.

and i think that in the streets people seem to be happier now.

people have legs again! lol.

the first day i could go to the streets without a coat was one of the happiest days of my life.

seriously.

spring also can bring love.


i love spring.

I feel like shit today.

Sometimes it is just very hard to please everyone. Is everything in life really like this? I usually try very hard to be as nice to everyone as possible, to make sure that I make things so that everyone is happy...

I mean, why would anyone give people a hard time while doing something if there's always a way of doing the same things being nice and good to everyone? everyone wins and everyone feels good, right?

I always try to do that.

But then, sometimes in life, I come across situations where doing that is simply impossible. Pleasing everyone is just too hard sometimes. And when you don't succeed and something goes wrong in the way, people get mad at you and you end up being the bad guy.

I hate that. Should I just care less about other people?

Best thing to do when it's pouring rain outside..

...and you're home, is to listen to 80's music.


Yup.

and sleep.

and then sleep a little bit more.

Frankmusic is love

Just wanted to let it out.

I'm going in for the kill

I'm doing it for a thrill

Oh I'm hoping you'll understand

And not let go of my hand.



I love this song so much.

recently i have been discovering a lot of music. music is definitely one of the most important parts of my life.

enjoy the song and dance to it if it makes you!!!

BIG Day for me

so today is a very important day in the life of Juan Sebastian.

I graduated from college in Colombia and I signed the contract with APM.

My mom must be very sad to receive my diploma without me there. I love her so much.

So yes. It's the ending of a big adventure and the beginning of an even bigger one now.

I am SO excited I don't even know how to express it with words.

I am so thankful with life and all the opportunities it is giving to me.

I hope it keeps up like this. I want to achieve happiness and experience life at its fullest.

Celebration time WOHOOO. But first: work. lol.

Sloane NYC

This is going to be a story to tell.

Last night.

1 am.

After work.

I was tired as fuck. I thought something cool could come out of that state.

I texted Sean Watters.

Me: "Hey, I just got out of work. I'm exhausted. Want to do a late night shoot?"

Sean Watters: "LOL. You're crazy. If you want to come over..."

M: "I will, send me your address"

S.W: "No, really. You're tired. And you must be smelling bad. I don't like that. We'll shoot next week. Promise"

S.W: "Text me when you get home, ok?"

M: "I'm on a cab. On my way to your place. You better send me your address."

...

So yeah. I kinda forced him into shooting me.

From 2.30 to 6 A.M.

Oh, hohoho.

But it was a m a z i n g. I think we got such cool shots and it was just an all around fun awesome night. It's so much fun to work with someone that just loves shooting, with no other intention than enjoying the photography and having a blast. It was a crazy fun night.

I had to crash there of course and then in exchange for my shoot, I had to assist Sean with a test shoot he had with Tony, a model from Fusion.

I only had 3 hours of sleep. So of course I'm officially a dead man walking in this moment.

Thank god the weather was nice and I could enjoy the sun in central park.

I'm going to my coffin now.

x_x

I finally have the contract in my hands.

So I believe the mother agency drama is about to be over, and I'm just calling it quits with them.

Guess now it will be kind of official. I still have no certainty at all about my future. I can't stay in the USA for too long under the visa I'm at, and I can't apply for another visa yet because I don't have enough tear sheets from magazines. So after I sign the contract the procedure will be to work as much as I can on editorials so I can apply for a visa later.

It's still very confusing but it is one step forward!

Yes I'm stupid like that

EDIT
LOL I just realized how in this picture I look like if I had one sunken tooth or something.

I don't have a sunken tooth, ok? I DON'T

*_o

After a night like last night it is so good to wake up to see pictures of yourself you like! :)

Robert Nethery, the photographer that shot the Contributing Editor's editorial, updated his portfolio and I AM THERE WOHOOO.

http://www.nerasa.com/

I loved them too!

Now I just have to wait until the pictures are published in the website so I can use them in my book.

Ok I have to run again, later!

I've been giving a lot of thought to something I had stopped thinking about for years.

I feel like a teenager again because recently I discovered I have no fucking idea who I am. And that feels pathetic because fuck, I'm more than 20 years old, I have just finished a university degree and I should have stuff like that figured out now. Or maybe not. I don't know, but sometimes I feel like I should.

For years I have worked in my self confidence, in the way I project to people. When I was a kid and was all weak and sentimental and gay and bullied, all I wanted to be was the cool kid that everyone admired and everyone thought of as hot and cool to be around.

I wanted to be the popular guy of course.

But my self confidence was shit and I really believed that everybody hated me, I was depressed and isolated and had to go to the psychiatrist and take anti depressants.

I had nervous breakdowns where all I did was scream and cry and hit myself against the walls.

I was a fucking messed up kid.

I hated myself and I felt that people hated me. And they did for many years. And it was not nice to be the looser in class.

I don't want to sound like the victim because I am grown up and it's pathetic to martyr yourself, and I know that there's millions of people in the world that have had it far worse than me, but the fact is that people were not nice to me at all when I was a kid.

Anyways, I put up with it and I really believe I was strong enough just to not run away from it but face it for years and try to fix it (because of course that I wanted to fix it). Then people grew up, or realized that I wasn't that bad and I think (or rather, I've been told) they stopped hating me, but I still felt like I was despised. I seriously believed that the world hated me.

That, of course, pissed people off and I kinda self-rejected my self and pushed away them from me. It was kinda my trademark... that "I know you hate me" bullshit. It was pathetic but of course I hadn't realized that yet.

Then one day, after years of psycho therapy and shit I decided to try to trust people again. I decided to give it a chance and make friends and force myself to believe that I was not hated. It kind of worked because I started making friends and building relationships and all that shit. People started saying to me "see? it wasn't that hard and now look, we all love you and you are with us and stuff... you have to keep building your confidence". It was working for me and I enjoyed it.

I started to realize how much I hated the people that were all "everyone hates me, I suck, I'm the worst". Then I understood why people would not come close to me and how I was the one that had been pushing them out for a while. Of course the fact was that I was also very hurt from all the shit that same bastards did to me when I was a kid. But I decided to forgive them and forgive myself and just try to make it right.

So my strategy was simply to shut myself up whenever any negative thoughts about myself came to my mind. I started to not let myself think I was not cool, or I was boring, or I was too nice and not cool... And those kind of thoughts came to my mind always, but I just simply started to shut them automatically. It was working.

I perfectly remember the time it started to change for me. It was my cousin's birthday, maybe seven years ago. I decided to dress "nicely" so I wore nice jeans with a jean jacket and a tshirt. I combed my hair and put a thin cut stocking in my neck (lol, that was in fashion in Colombia at the time because all the Argentinian soccer players did it). Then I went to her house and a friend of hers opened the door. The girl was gorgeous! She was probably one of the cutest and most popular girls in school. Anyways. She opened the door and said "wow, you look amazing". Haha. I will never forget that moment.

Anyways, so yeah. I turned slowly with the pass of years from the ugly duckling to a hot swan lol. As years passed I was able to relate much more easily with people, to look better. Heck, I made so many cool friends. I became friends with the cool people (that hot girl that opened the door is now one of my best friends), started to go to cool parties, getting drunk and dancing for days! Even when all my friends from engineering school were studying and being their usual nerds (I looove them and they know I think they're all nerds ♥), I was partying non stop on the weekends and then doing not bad at all in school either.

Suddenly I was modeling too. Lol. When I started I could not believe I was really being proposed to model. And I still can't believe it.

So yeah. My life changed in a good way, I was doing so many "cool" things I had never in my life dreamed of.

However, the strategy in all those years didn't change. I still was just shutting every negative thought off my mind. I was not letting myself put myself down (that sounds funny :S).

It was always there, though.

All the way I always felt like people were still acting. Like all the nice things they said were out of pity. That I wasn't really that cool at all and was still that nerdy pathetic crybaby that everyone hated. I was conscious I had changed. I had grown up and I had become a different (and better) person. Actually I lost many of my creative and sensitive talents in the process of becoming "cool" (I guess in a way my mind blamed that sensitivity of my awful social abilities) and after I really felt like I missed them. I always knew I was better now, that I had grown up to be a good and intelligent man. But still, I always thought that deep inside I was the same pathetic kid that deserved to be hated.

I mean, if you think about it, we all know that personality is a construction, right? Personality is the result of each of our lives, of our experiences. It's a program that is built from many lines of code input by our own experiences. So what guarantees that I'm not that kid I was 15 years ago? what guarantees that people don't see me still as that? What guarantees that all those behaviors and traits that people hated (and that I think I would hate now) are gone? What if I still act like that without noticing?

...Haha as I write this stuff I really find how nonsense my thought processes are, but I won't erase anything. Maybe this is healthy after all, just letting it out...

I know thinking that is ridiculous. It's ridiculous to think that people are nice and are my friends and treat me nicely just because they pity me! I know that the world doesn't work like that I hell, I wouldn't become friends with someone I hated.

Hahaha! Again I'm thinking of so much shit and I think my mind processes are going faster than how I'm able to write.

So I reached a conclusion, just now. I really am my own worst enemy. It is my fucking fault that I think of me like that and I just have to stop. The world and human beings are not good to other people out of pity and I really have to stop thinking about it. If I'm worthy of my good luck, if I'm hot enough to be a model, if I'm cool enough to have cool friends, if I act/dance stupid when I'm on drugs, if I am cool enough, if I'm still the same pathetic kid that even I would hate if I met him nowadays. Fuck that.

I really need to learn to not worry about it. If life has treated me the way it has, if I am in NYC going on castings and meeting really important people and trying to be a model, if I have friends in Colombia that love me and if I'm making friends that say they like me here in NYC it's because I fucking deserve it.

Because I am fucking cool.

I just said 'fucking' many times in a row.

Because the kid that resulted of all those good and bad experiences is an amazing person.

He might not be super aggressive and strong, he might be too nice for his own good sometimes, he might be shy and awkward when meeting people. He might have no game when hitting on people he likes (lol, I honestly have no idea of how to do it). But he is a good person. And he is damn smart. And he looks good and will only look better and better. And he trusts himself and knows that he's got it all and that his only limit is the one he imposes. I will stop limiting myself.

I can't be the own to screw myself. I can't be the one to stop myself from being how great I can be! As a model as of now, as an engineer, as a social person. I won't. I will fight myself.

The opportunities that life has given me... The opportunities I have constructed for myself. Oh my god, most people should be so lucky to have as many awesome things to happen in their lives as me. Right now I just have to let myself take the opportunities. Fuck, if I'm in NYC trying to be a model, if there's an agency that believes in me, if there's a girl somewhere in NYC that would have me in her fantasy agency, it is because I deserve it, right? Because I can do it. I have to be the one who believes the most in me.

And I will.

And I've heard that most of people go trough similar thought processes at points of their lives, which I hope is true because I feel a little embarrassed of posting this in a blog in the internet where I'm supposed to be talking about how cool is the experience of starting modeling in NYC and the parties and the hot hot people I meet everyday and all of that (that has happened, of course).

Well, truth be told, for me this experience has been more about confronting all my phantoms. I'm not in the safe zone of Colombia, my country and my people. I'm now in NYC, surrounded by gorgeous people that live off that. I am actually trying to make it at a business where the merchandise is my looks! Gosh, as if I ever trusted that.

It really is the perfect environment for all your insecurities to explode.

This is personal deep shit, bro.

hahahaHAHAHA.

But I'm not apologizing. That's me.

And I will win the fight.

Peace.

I also like photography

me after a shower

Summary

So I decided to do a summary of the past weeks in NYC. I have been taking some pictures with my iphone so I think it's going to be a nice way of showing and remembering everything I've done.

It all started last week, on tuesday. Went to the agency and met them, they told me they wanted to sign me only if I got released from my agency back home.

On wednesday I received a call from the head of the new faces division telling me that I had booked an editorial for contributing editor... wow.

On thursday nothing happened.

Friday was the day of the shoot for contributing editor. I was kind of overwhelmed to suddenly being in a shoot in NYC with models from big agencies like Wilhelmina and Red doing an editorial for one of my favorite websites... Yeah. Scary.
It was so much fun, though. It was video but there was some stills taken too. The clothes were a little big on all of us but in the end I think that the shoot was a success.
Probably the coolest part was my hair. They put hair extensions on me to do a hairstyle a la Elvis Presley on crack. It was very cool.



































Then the weekend was dead but on monday I went to the agency, and finally got a book. It is a used book that belonged to someone else before so it's all damaged and vintage-y. It had to be that way because the agency can't give me a new one until I sign with them. It's very cool tho. I call it my guerilla book. :)

Tuesday was the first days of go sees and castings. I went to two of them and I already told you the story here. Michelle Filomeno and John Tan.

Wednesday was very busy. I went to four castings. Cornelia Adams and D Magazine were in the morning. Both took my pictures (which I learned after is a kind of good sign). And in the afternoon I went to two of the most exciting castings I've been two. First, I went to Teen Vogue. Hahaha. I really could not believe that I was going on a go see for that magazine... I've seen in so many times in TV in my country, in MTV shows and everywhere... and to suddenly be there, looking at the image I have seen so many times before in TV and stuff. Haha might sound pathetic but it was big for me in a way. Two months ago I was in Colombia, going to school dreaming about being in NY doing anything, and now I was at the door of Teen Vogue magazine, going to a casting to appear on it. haha. Yeah.
























After that, I went to Baron and Baron which I believe is another Advertisement Agency or something, and I had a casting for a YSL fragrance campaign. Wow. Of course I kind of don't expect them to pick me but still. It was an exciting day for me. You get the idea.

Thursday was the first day of the snow storm. It was all pretty snow until then. I went to a casting for a magazine: Dress to Kill I think is the name . There I met Leigh, another model from my agency and we started talking. I liked her instantly. I only had one casting that day, fact I appreciated because the weather in the afternoon was starting to get creepy.


















Finally friday came and with it it three castings more. The weather was awful at that point. The castings were for I don't know what, hehe but I went to one of them and it was an office that had a lot of platinum discs in the wall for successful records. I think it must've been a music label or a music marketing office or something. I have no idea.




















In the afternoon I met Leigh at the closed doors of an office where we were supposed to have another casting, but no one was there. We were pissed of so we decided to have an adventure in the snow.

It was very cold and we just laughed about how "glamorous" the life on NY models really is, just getting soaking wet in the snow running around the city on castings under that miserable weather lol. We then went to a cheap deli and had coffee (me) and hot chocolate (her). Fun.

So that was my last two weeks. Of course I have been working every night still, but the most exciting part have definitely been the castings and this sudden world I'm getting into. So cool. I'm lucky, I really hope it picks up! Cross your fingers!!


And now I let you with two pictures of Leigh and me in the wooooonderful record breaking snow storm that hit NYC last week!

The weather in NYC is SO bad and awesome at the same time. I love the snow and sometimes I forget it is wet so I step into huge mountains and let my feet sink. It is super fun! However, it is very cold and mushy and wet so it's bad too.

Yesterday my cab crashed with the separator on the west highway! It was horrible, he lost control of the car and we started to turn and slide in the way until the separator stopped us. I was so scared. Fortunately it wasn't too bad and at least the card could make it to my house. That's the worst part of the snow. It's dangerous!

Castings are going well, I think, I hope. I don't know, it's very confusing how the clients don't say anything! They just take your pictures and your comp card and then say good bye. I don't know if I should be worried that I have been going to castings and go sees (more of the later) for four days and haven't booked anything. I have to think positive! Everything will come, everything will come!!!

It's really falling down today.

The snow looks so beautiful from my window. Since I don't have a curtain it is the first thing I saw when I woke up today.

I wish I didn't have to move from home in all day but unfortunately I have.

I'm a little bit hung over but I'm SO happy I took the Thiamine before going to bed. Try it people! I really does work!

Coffee time!

Again fun times in NYC.

I was in this party and a girl told me she thought i was beautiful. I was so flattered. I danced with her all night.

Fun times.

The castings today went good. I hope. They were fast. Few questions, few snapshots taken, I smiled and talked to the people that interviewed me as friendly as I could. It was fun. Everyone knows someone from my country, and it is great.

Tomorrow I have only one casting. It's all right because I think there's going to be a snow storm and I'm going to be hang over so I much rather stay home for as much as I can.

I'm going to see Kelly tomorrow, I'm excited. Maybe I'm straight after all.

Josh sucks, btw :p

Cheers is a word I like a lot.

I will try to add it to my regular vocabulary. Have you guys ever done that? Liking a word a lot and trying to add it to the words you commonly say...

I have. lol.

Anyways, I have to run now, wish me luck!

So... LOL.

The meeting with John Tan went really well. He is really humble and really nice. It was so unexpected that I wrote my feelings about the meeting in the train back to work.

It's so cool how someone that humble and nice and HUMAN can be one very important person in the fashion industry.

I may have told him a lot of things about myself and just didn't stop talking. I left the place feeling like I kinda wanted to be his friend. Which is weird, I guess. But cool.

Nice surprise, finding someone big in the industry that humble and cool, who is interested in people as persons and not as meat objects.

I hope he liked me. I liked him a lot.

Then I went to work and smiled and greeted 197 covers. It was a good night for tips.

Tomorrow I have other 4 appointments. One of them is for a really big magazine that *hint hint* has the word "teen" somewhere in it's name.
I'm also going to photographer agencies and other places I'm not sure what they are.

Send good energies.

And coffee ;)

I've read in interviews with really big models that their answer for the question "how do you prepare for a casting?" or "are you very nervous before important meetings" is usually "I don't care"

Which makes me think that the way of being a cool successful model is just to not give a fuck.

How do they do that? Do you think that answer is honest?

In a way I wish I was like that. But in another way I don't see how "not caring" is possible when it is something that you want to do and so many things depend on how well your meetings go.

just a thought.

I dont think I made a proper introduction.

I'm Juan.

I recently got scouted by an agency in NYC. I have just started from scratch.

I've done some modeling in my home country but almost none of my pictures from there work for NYC so my book is just some pictures I did three weeks ago with a photographer that scouted me thru facebook.

That one up there ^ is me.

I decided to open a blog to talk about everything that is going on in my life. Which is a lot.

I also discovered that (even though it's not the best time to do it probably) I want to let all my fears and insecurities get out again. I've been hiding them for years and maybe it's not healthy. I've discovered.

Models can be insecure, right?

New York City made me love coffee. Hence the names.

New York City introduced me to bagels. And one day my roomate ordered bagels and asked me "How was it?"
I answered "the bagel was good"

5 minutes later I was opening this blog and I needed a name. I used the last words I had said. Hence the names.

I tend to give too much explanations. Is that a sign of insecurity?

So funny.

So I go into my first go see in NYC and I happen to be received by I girl I know back from Colombia.

So funny. Michelle Filomeno agency looked so cool. I hope they take me for jobs.

When I realized that I knew the girl it was funny and I smiled and hugged her but was in shock and kinda freaked out after that.

Fuck, I'm so insecure.

I was wearing this, so I think I looked like this in the snapshots the girl took in the office.














I'm sure I was making a funny face that didn't look good. I hope they don't look too bad.

I even texted the girl I knew after that I told her like "I was so in shock after meeting you that I don't know what face I was doing when you took the snapshots, did they look bad?"

Haha. So pathetic, in a way I know I should not have done that but whatever. I will try not to restrain anything I feel.

Then I had a cup of coffee and a croissant on starbucks. New York makes me love coffee.

The agency just called me. I have a casting with John Tan that is supposed to be this HUGE casting director. I'm very nervous.

I don't know what to wear. Should I keep this shirt that makes me look very formal? Or should I just wear a tshirt. Fuck, how do models dress for castings?

Lol, I care too much. Not good.

And coffee.

9:08 AM

Getting ready for the first go see of my life in NYC.

"Michele Filomeno represents photographers, film directors, art directors, stylists + syndication department."

Vogue Covers
Ash Stymest
World Campaings

Very exciting. I will try not to care too much!!!

Tomorrow is my first day of oficially being a model in NYC.
Running around the city with a book in my bag.

A guerrilla book actually.

I hope it goes well. I will try not to care too much. But then again if I'm already thinking about it is because I do care.

We'll see.

Wish me luck.

chao

Fun New York city.

Dinner with 15 people I didnt know.

Then feeling good, feeling awesome. Eating chocolate.

Then going to a bar and playing pool and fighting with all the people inside the bar. And laughing about it.

Beautiful night in New York.

And coffee.